last night my patient died

at first you might think..."thats not news, youre a nurse, death happens," but for me it feels a lil different.

since i have been on my unit for a lil over a year, on my unit there had only been one death on the unit, until tonight added one more. the death of a pt. is something i would not have expected to happen on my shift. i must admit, i thought and hoped it would happen on another shift, not mine. But tonight was different, what i thought and hoped was wrong.

before i left home for work last night, as i walked downstair, i said a quick prayer for the night to go well and that my patients may be happy and get well... then i was on my way.
when i received report from the nurse she had said that one of my pt.s would probably not make it through the night, that she was DNR, and that the family was there to say their last goodbyes. i thought to myself, "of course i get this pt. i hope she makes it through my shift." i took my assignment and carried on with her plan of care, not knowing what was to come. with the family in the room, i went about my nursing business, and tried to console them as they cried at the deteriorating status of their loved one. i made arrangements for them to stay overnight, but they decided to leave and return in the morning. they left at 2130 with tears in their eyes and soaked tissues in their hands.

as her breathes labored, i took her vitals one more time. her bp so low the machine could not read it, her body so edematous that her skin was leaking fluid. i eventually retrieved the vitals. i then put them into the computer at the nursing station. i then looked up the policy for postmortem care, just in case it happened on my shift, not even knowing what was about to happen. then i then took a seat in the nurses station where i could see her and do my work at the same time. it was then i decided i would sit there for the rest of the night so that i could so paper work and watch her at the same time.

as i looked on at my dying pt. i watched her gasp for breath. as i was watching, she gasped once.. and i waited for the next one to come; it came. then i waited for the next one to come........ i waited for 10 seconds...... it still didnt come. still watching the pt., i stood up from my chair, gowned and gloved myself, and walked to the pt. she still had not taken another breathe. i checked her ulnar pulses and her carotid. i felt nothing. i got my stethoscope, listened for her heart and lungs nothing. my heart dropped as i called for my fellow nurse. he found the same thing i did: nothing.

we called the doctor. at 2248 she was pronounced by the doctor as dead.
we informed all the people that needed to be informed.
i heard the family whaling as they heard the news over the phone.
we removed the foley, the picc, the dressings and the wound vac, and then we cleaned the body and made her presentable for the family to see her again.

when the family came, they approached me with tears in their eyes. my heart broke even more as i had to lead them to the room where their deceased loved on was. when they entered the room, the heart wrenching whaling began. i held back tears as i pushed on to do the rest of my work for the other pts i was assigned to. but as i did my work the thought of her death took up my heart and mind. eventually i had to ask the family to leave so that her body could be taken to the morgue. as the family left, i tried to stay strong as they hugged me and thanked me.

after the family was gone, we had to wrap her up in the shroud. it was little hard to figure out it being my first time having to do this, but the experience na helped me get through it. then the morgue man came to pick up her body. then she was gone.

when i had bad days at work, to get over it, i would tell myself, "this isnt that bad, things could be worse; at least all my pt's are alive." but this morning as i drove home from work i thought to myself so was today considered a bad day at work bc my pt died??? it didnt feel like a "bad day." it was more of a emotionally draining day. a day at work that i will probably never forget. i will never forget the first death that i witnessed, or the first patient of mine that passed away.i will continue praying for her and her family.

yes, im a nurse, it is part of the job, and this prolly wont be my last death that i witness; but i dont think the shock value of a person loosing life will ever go away. if one day that shock value does go away, then i know a part of my soul is gone too. i know that the shock of this death will fade in time but for right now... i think i am in utter shock that...

...last night my patient died.